Different Tools for Different Times

Proverbs 22:6 is a profoundly hopeful passage. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

It sounds so simple.

But, in truth, the years of child-rearing are near the top of the “not-so-simple” list. One key to successful child-rearing is learning to apply different training strategies at different times in our children’s lives. Parents who do not change their approach as their children grow can end up aggravating and provoking their children instead of teaching and training. The Apostle Paul even warned against this in his epistle to the Ephesians: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

While the infant stage (from birth to roughly 18 months) requires special care for a tiny new person who is completely helpless at first, the toddler stage (from roughly 18 months to age 3) brings entirely new challenges as the once-helpless newborn starts to find its place in the world, full of needs and demands that parents must channel toward healthy development. And then come the three stages leading toward successful adulthood. Let’s take a quick look at each.

Preschoolers (Ages 3–6)

During these formative years, children continue to explore their world. Wise parents will not only begin to introduce them to numbers and the alphabet—they will also weave godly principles into their coaching and teaching. For example, learning to share toys with other children isn’t just “nice.” It’s a small, entry-level step into the godly value of giving. It’s learning to love one’s neighbor by acting unselfishly. And unless we teach and regularly perform the action of sharing with our children, they will not practice that action with others. Why would they? When a playdate comes and parents bring their children together, they will only practice what they’ve learned. Those who haven’t learned to share will not suddenly do so, no matter how sternly their mother or father speaks to them.

During this stage, wise parents will also continue to coach their children to gain control over their emotions. As they learn to play games and sports and try their hand at crafts and music, there will be ample opportunity for success and failure, for joy and frustration. It’s not just the child who struggles through these experiences—moms and dads do, too. Yet instructing and training children to manage their emotions gives them a head start on coping with life. The book of Proverbs, full of principles to teach our children, also makes this point: “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls” (Proverbs 25:28). Preschoolers are not too young to learn to manage their emotions. As they do, their relationships will benefit, and their mental health will be in a better state. And it starts with parental training.

School-Age Children (Ages 6–12)

As children reach this stage, we begin to see them blossom. They continue to soak up knowledge like a sponge. They want to know what and why and how. They are still largely parent-oriented, wanting approval from Dad and Mom as they try new activities and build new skills. How is this stage different from the previous stage? How should we adjust?

First, it is important to recognize that we do need to adjust. We do need to give our children opportunities to learn in a more organized and formal setting, whether through classroom schooling or a curriculum at home. It is also worthwhile to provide other learning experiences for them, like sports or music. This is a good age to help children learn to take care of pets or plants. Learning to work is just as important as learning to play, and children can learn responsibility and perseverance as they help with chores and jobs around the house as part of their education.

One of the biggest challenges of this stage is walking the fine line between overprotecting our children and ignoring the dangers that they face during these years. If we aren’t careful, these years will see our children shift their focus from parental approval to peer approval. If they attend school with other children, they will spend more time with those children than with you, and their peers’ way of thinking could easily become the most powerful and important to them. The same can be true for homeschooled children, especially those who spend time on social media. So, is your child peer-oriented or parent-oriented? Whose words, ideas, and opinions are more important? As children learn to interact with their peers, it is vital that they also strengthen their relationships with their parents.

And what about their relationship with technology? Digital media offers valuable opportunities for learning, but it can easily expose children to graphic violence, foul language, and even pornography—corrupting their use of time and dangerously affecting their development. Parents who fail to carefully monitor and limit their children’s screen time will find their parental roles hijacked by peers and corporations that do not have their children’s best interests at heart.

Children in this stage of life need oversight. They need godly guidance and teaching, and it is their parents’ job to give it. What God told the Israelites still applies today: “You shall teach them [God’s ways] to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 11:19).

Teenagers (Ages 13–18)

The teenage years have a reputation of being a time of rebellion and obstinacy. But if the right groundwork has been laid during earlier stages, the teen years can be fascinating and fulfilling for parents. Younger children soak up everything they are learning; teens compare what they’ve learned with the world they see around them. Without even realizing it, they begin to analyze the validity of what Dad and Mom have said, as opposed to the messages that they are hearing from society and its messengers, such as their peers.

There’s a common myth that as soon as children become teenagers, they are somehow fated to become rebellious. Indeed, teens often wrestle with what they see and hear around them, because so much of what the world offers can appear very attractive. So, the challenge for us as parents is to continue to teach and train them through these years, even as we give them room to exercise an appropriate amount of independence. One of the greatest joys for us as parents is seeing the light of understanding in our teenagers’ eyes as they experience the good fruit of godly principles.

As we have seen, each stage of a child’s life is full of challenges and wonderful rewards for a parent. Solomon described it well when he wrote, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate” (Psalm 127:3–5). To learn more, request our free Bible study guide Successful Parenting: God’s Way, or read it right here at TomorrowsWorld.org. It will help you guide your children through all the stages of their growth.